About Abi
I grew up in a Christian home and went to church every Sunday. I loved church and made a decision to believe in Jesus as my friend when I was just 6 years old. At 8, I was baptised in the Holy Spirit and at 14 I was water baptised. Mentally I assented to the fact that God loved me, but there were days I didn’t ‘feel’ loved and so doubted whether God’s love was more than just a distant hope.
The church I grew up in believed in the gifts of the spirit and these were always a part of the Sunday service. I saw healings, miracles and God speaking specifically into the lives of people I knew. There was no doubt in my mind ever that God existed, and as a result, I never wanted to rebel against Him, but I struggled to feel loved by God. I knew I should try and read my bible or pray more but these resolutions never lasted long. I just couldn’t keep it up.
My parents are godly people and they never forced us to be or do anything. They encouraged us and helped us and never once demanded any particular standard, but despite that, I put on myself a performance mentality. I had to do it and do it well. I never tried anything I didn’t think I would be good at, and whenever I did something I was always looking for affirmation from others. As a result, I became adept at doing things with excellence, but only because I needed the praise that resulted in. If people didn’t give me good feedback, I felt that I hadn’t done well, or I wasn’t liked.
This performance mentality spilled over into my walk with God. I looked to my feelings to determine whether God was pleased with me or not. If I spoke in church or led worship, I searched the faces of the people to decide whether or not I had heard from God and was doing a good job.
John and I met in 1993 and were married 2 years later. My performance mentality crossed into my marriage. The trouble with performance mentality is that it is entirely self-centred. I was insecure and John was equally as selfish. We projected our demands onto each other, deciding that we had the right to expect certain standards from the other, without ever perceiving the need to change our own heart. We fought nearly every day and it was the worst time in my life. We hated living together but divorce was a horrendous option (because what would people think of me). It seemed utterly hopeless. I prayed for God to ‘take me home’. I wanted an ‘out’ but saw nothing but years of frustration and sadness ahead. John was not willing to change, so how could the situation improve. It was awful.
Then one day a friend leant me a video of a preacher named Andrew Wommack. His message was different to anything I had heard before. He spoke about the word and grace and it was radical, but it was life! I ordered his teaching “The Christian Survival Kit” because my marriage was certainly in a crisis situation. The first teaching was entitled “Don’t panic; only believe”. The hope this message bought me was incredible and I started to see that God had a plan for me, whether or not my marriage ever improved.
Then one day God spoke to me and said “I can tell you what the problem is in your marriage” and I was thinking “Well, I know it’s John”. God said “No, it’s you!” I was shocked! However, as God spoke to me about this, I began to see how he was right (fancy that) and he began to teach me how to be a good and godly wife. The stuff I was hearing from Andrew (the Survival Kit and then his teaching on Harnessing Your Emotions) were helping me establish my heart in truth and embark on a new understanding of grace.
Through Andrew’s ministry, I heard the Word and changed. My marriage began to change to and I began to find my identity in Christ, rather than in the approval of others.
In 2004 John and I decided to go Charis Bible College in Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA; Andrew Wommack’s College, and for 2 years we studied the word and see who we were in Christ and who he was in us.
Now we have been married 15 years (2010) and are more in love than ever before. Financially we are so blessed that we are no longer in debt (we struggled financially in the first 8 years of married life) and we are confidently pursuing God together. There’s a boldness about us that means that we see people healed and delivered when we minister – not because of who we are, but because of whose we are.
Now I read the word, pray and worship as a response to God’s awesome grace rather than as a means to make God love me. I don’t care whether people like me or not and I trust in God’s grace that I hear from Him when I speak or lead worship or simply serve. I know He loves me and I am confident that He is a faithful God.
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